Take the trash out ..

Today while getting ready for work I reached out for my favourite red lipstick. It smelt funny. I looked at the watch which said I had exactly 32 seconds to wear my shoes and grab my ID and be out of the door. As I reached for the door shuffling with my shoes I vaguely remember having dumped the lipstick into the trash-can.

On my way to work, all I could think of was the red lipstick. How insensitive of me to have dumped it. Just like that. Now, I have no shame in admitting that I am a hoarder. A compulsive one at that. Every expired makeup or skincare product that had very woefully been bid a good-bye earlier, had been put through an intensive deliberation about an alternative purpose it could serve before finally breathing its last. I`ve been known to use expired and funny smelling moisturizers as foot creams. I`ve mixed sunscreen and expired hand creams and used them as hair masks before jumping into a chlorinated pool. I`ve also been vain enough to use expired foundation mixed with some eye-shadow or bronzer to air-brush my stretch-marks and cellulite on evenings out that had demanded a short and slinky LBD. The point being I`ve always feared and tried to procrastinate break-ups. Breaking up with things as inconsequential like expired make-up, clothes that don`t fit anymore, shoes that pinch the life out of my feet, hard-backs that have already been bought on the kindle, medicines, vitamins, fancy hangers, used-up stationery .. I can really go on here.

What looks like clutter to any sane person, look like halo-ed objects revealing a story of their acquisition to me. Before I take anything that has any bit of life in it to the trashcan, I form some sort of emotional connect with it. A dress gifted with a lot of love, an eye-liner that I flicked from my sister, a lipstick that mom and I shared eons ago, a book that has been signed by both of us with a date of its purchase, a pen that Dad might`ve handed me while I filled out some arbit form, a pair of shoes that I bought on sale during a particularly romantic christmas break. I try and subconsciously connect some dots. Never mind the distance between them. It just isn't a part of my DNA to toss away something that has been a part of my relatively short life, in whatever capacity.

Today as I sat down to clean up my room keeping in mind the final head-back that is 2 months away. I found used-up but fancy moisturizer jars, that I`d kept aside to store ear-studs in, cardboard covers and leaflets of expensive skincare product that were using up my already jam-packed dresser drawer space. I cringed. I sat back and got my head around the sheer number of such ridiculously useless objects and knick-knacks that were crowding my drawers. Hell, I even had a bunch of miniature plastic cars green, blue and pink from last years christmas party favours. I cringed. An overwhelming feeling of disgust rather, to put it mildly.

The symbolism was hard to miss. Take all you can gather from the world, shit included, and cram it into your perfect little world to make it imperfect and stinky bit by bit. Even the goodness that wants to creep in, if you let it in the first place, becomes tarnished. Where is the space to keep its goodness cling-wrapped amidst all this staleness ! Maa often says 'Jo nei chaiye, jo nei pehenna hai, feeka pad gaya hai usko out kar do'. Now how do I let go of that dreadful feeling that I might 'chaiye' it sometime in the future. What if the feeka thing is destined to bloom some years hence and I rob it of its only chance to do so. The permanency associated with that 'Out' was the scariest thing. Paranoia comes in all colours I say.

I have always found it difficult to let go. Of relationships, of setbacks,of impulsive material joys and of meaningless friendships and acquaintances. I`ve lost count of the number of days I have wasted moping about long foregone things and closed chapters. Always wondering about that black hole of a 'what if'.My whole being gets riddled with guilt and starts calling itself selfish and beating its own self over the thought of casually dismissing off anything without a painful and long-drawn scrutiny and analysis. No matter how caustic or clingy it might be. Typically Virgo, they say.

But off late I have found myself relenting a bit. This over-analysis of the future value of a currently useless thing has seen a decline in the past few years. A happy marriage and contentment in a relationship does bring about of a host of other interesting add-ons it seems. Impending motherhood has but strengthened this new feeling of wanting to have fun with minimalism.
This oven is in the mood to be squeaky clean to bake one fluffy bun at a leisurely pace giving it all the nice warmth I can provide without having to deal with any random fritters or leftovers eating away into any of that warmth.

Now off I go to take the trash out, funny-smelling favourite red lipstick included.