I envy people who can talk. Talk about themselves.. talk about their past , their future and ofcourse their present in a large measure. I have always found it difficult to talk about myself. Something that has become pretty evident in the past few years. Perhaps coz these few years have made me realize that my life is no one else`s business but mine and a handful of other people`s.
It aint attitude. Its simple honesty.
I havn`t been able to fathom why people, who are but gonna live for a predefined number of minutes on this planet, should be subjected to a discourse on my life and my stuff , the contents of which are never gonna have any kinda bearing on how the remaining minutes of their lives are gonna shape up.
Perhaps this might explain my awful networking skills.
Forced smiles and conversations... The absence of which would lead to you being branded as unsocial, haughty, arrogant .. rude even.
A trend analysis of my relationships, with everyone who is and has been a part of my life, would throw up a very definitive result - That of they having thrived and flourished over the written word rather than the spoken one. Letters, e-mails, memos, chats (the online typing-dependent ones), diaries and ofcourse this very 'My Space' ... These are the means and modes where I have been able to open up a little about myself without guilt-tripping whether I`ve blabbered out too much too soon.
Im sorry if I don't respond well to "Whats up in Life ?". Im sorry if I dont have a witty repartee to "So howz it been since the last time we caught up?".
But I aint sorry to be fanatically possessive about my memories to blurt them out in casual conversations and be subjected to nonchalant indifferent reactions for the same.

(P.S. Yeah , Mood swings .. Too many .. Too often. Hopefully this too shall pass.)

Friday Ruminations

Lotta stuff goin on in my head ... Need to clear it up a bit .. Shall resort to u my faithful blog as a Pen Drive for the time being .. ummm.. on second thoughts u need to gear up into a decently configured Hard-disk to take the onslaught thats gonna hit u ..

Note : None of the stuff is inter-related or correlated or guilty of any kinda relation existing among them .. So please bear wimme and no .. Im not suffering from temporary dementia :)


- Have got this new-found fascination for bangles .. huge wooden ones and delicate glass ones. Love the sound when the latter clink together..has this newly-wed feel to it . Dig the punky hippie look the former imparts. Always knew there`s a rebel and a daddy`s sweet lil girl co-existing within me .. Pray for this harmonious co-existence to prevail .. every single day .

- How do you explain blowing up 2.5 grand on fancy innerwear while being completely aware of ur hopelessly single status and the obvious foolishness of the impulse buy !
As they say .. Shit Happens .
As I say .. I make the shit happen .. drag it by its ears n make it happen :|

- Im riddled with this inexplicable urge to become a Mom .. Someway .. Somehow . Why can`t it be a standalone feature of growing up ? Why does it have to wait for a humongously expensive social showcase of a rite called "Wedding" to happen before it does? Becoming an aunt has filled me with a sweet mellow kind of happiness. Smelling the lil ones head , watching her yawn and smile in sleep has strangely made me aware of the existence of beautiful untarnished goodness on this planet. This tiny being stands for an entity that is all pure n white , no traces of greys .. blacks don`t even feature newhere in the vicinity. Being with her makes me feel responsible and vulnerable at the same time .. makes me feel happy for no particular reason .. makes me aware of that elusive feeling called 'Unconditional Love'... Pray tell me , why should I be deprived of experiencing this purest of all emotions just because Im not wearing a fancy black beaded necklace or a red powder smear on my forehead.
Beats me ... totally !

- This is for the girls out there. Its a chilly breezy evening on an almost empty stretch of road and ur riding pillion with this person u adore to bits riding right infronta u .. inches away .. nay perhaps centimetres away ... U wanna snuggle up to him and hug him tight but you can`t ... All you wanna do, when he attempts a steep swerve is to close your eyes and hold on to him but it takes the self-restraint of a Lhasa monk to hold yourself back ..
And why ??
Coz it aint right, coz its aftermath is gonna be awkward , coz it would 'complicate' things ...
A hundred such voices cram your head and there ... that tiny glimmering flame gets extinguished before it could even burn bright .. and there you are left out in the cold .. literally and figuratively ..
Now girls , What do u DO in such trying times ! Wait till he drops u off at ur apartment gate and then flash the most brilliant of fake smiles at him ?
Kindly enlighten me on any other relatively exciting plan of action , if any ..
Preferably without the asterisk mark and the disclaimer in fine print below stating 'Conditions Apply'..


"You Never Know what`s round the corner .. follow the rules and you won`t get burned."

Came across the above somewhere ... Just wanted to know whether there is a corollary somewhere for people who don`t mind getting singed ..
A little heat did no one much harm , did it ?!

Okaay ...

Almost a year since I graced 'My Space' with my words..Can already see a mesh of cobwebs obscuring any cursory glance at this space .. Im sure not many of you would`ve taken the pain of clearing through the cobwebs and the inch-thick layer of dust lying around here ..

Im very much alive .. dunno whether I can use that cheesy t-shirt tagline "Alive and kicking" though..

The last post was written while I was away in France .. Horibbly homesick .. counting the days when Id get back home.Its perhaps the only thing common in life then and life now .. Homesickness.

When I`d left for France, Dad`s transfer was imminent and I knew this might be the last time I`d be in my cozy lil forest bungalow-ish Jayanagar home. That last wistful look at my house as I loaded the huge suitcases into the car is gonna be one of the frames in the flashback reel of my life.
But then, What goes around .. comes right around. Its been B`lore -> France -> Bhubaneswar and then back to B`lore in this one year. Though it is ever-crowded and ever-bustling Marathalli now instead of old-worldly and quaint Jayanagar, it still is good ol' B'lore.

Life has changed and so have I , I believe, in the past 12 months.Though I don`t think there`s been any life-altering earth-shattering change , but still. For starters I can now legally be categorized under the 'employed class' or 'labour class' of the country. ( Yeah, Prof. Joydeep`s Macroeconomics makes much more sense now than the days when it shoud have).

Then : I wake up sumtime around noon (post-placement, post- final term days of sheer bliss) and mentally abuse the ceiling fan for emitting the slightest of creaks which broke my sleep this early.Anyways,now that I am awake, I think of grabbing a quick brunch at the mess and then off to Bibhu`s room for a movie/bakar marathon.Idyllic lazy walks and Adda sessions in the evenings and daaru sessions at night well into dawn and then trudge back to my creaky ceiling fan and messy room for a dawn-till-noon nap.

Now : I wake up to the alarm screaming its lungs out, sharp at 6:30.Get the house cleaned, cook breakfast for bro, get ready in what.. 4 mins and run to catch the bus, commute along the dustiest grimy-est 20 kms of B'lore and then starts the actual grind. Make reports for the top mgmt. who perhaps don`t even bother to open them, colour some excel sheets, do some number crunching of incomprehensible figures and some fancy analysis, grovel infronta the boss for that one precious day of leave and be subjected to an hour long discourse on how as a manager I should plan my leaves 3 months in advance (Bludy .. I should consult astrological charts to know the actual date when Im supposed to have viral fever !), clock in some overtime and make sure it is noticed by the boss ( Unspoken Corporate Code of Conduct #47 : Never ever leave for the day before your boss does :|) , leave for home (God Bless the faithful Red Volvos), shop for vegetables, reach home all tired and bedraggled but somehow drag yourself to the kitchen to cook ( n when ur cooking for men - my bro in this case, you`d better make it nice .. no kaam chalau stuff would do for this specie whose heart is located inside their stomachs) gulp down the dinner (not daring the taste buds to stay in contact with the food a second longer) and collapse onto ur bed. A few hours hence .. Its just another day ...


Few Other things have changed too ..

My faithful ancient cellphone finally breathed its last after 7 long years .. Had been wimme right from 12th Std. and bore the brunt of everyone`s sniggers when fancy new cellfones came into the market n suddenly having a cell-fone with a lime-green screen and an inch long antenna became a strict fashion no-no .. I still miss u .. Cellotaped Battery and cracked screen and bright red blinking L.E.D notwithstanding.

No more sprinting to early morning classes((dats 9 am :D ) ) in night-suit uppers and worn-out,knee-slashed snug jeans and bathroom slippers.Now I even drop off to sleep in office wear - read : scruffy shirts n trousers or when Im in a rare happy and dressy mood - churidaar-kurtas complete with bindi n bangles :D ( A few more years in Bengaluru n I might sport a gajra soon).

Floaters and flats are gettin comfy staying put in the shoe-rack while I mercilessly plod away in heels and strappy shoes...

The faithful schoolbag has given way to an assortment of girly totes n clutches.Though I still am bad at co-ordinating them with any outfit...

Have started wearing a watch coz apparently looking at your cellfone to check the time isn`t very "Corporate-y" :|..

Have learnt how to convincingly dish out harmless white lies (U know .. texting "Mom, Ill have to call u back later .. in a meeting" while watching Love Aaj Kal for the 5th time at PVR :P )

The Black nailpolish and the toerings had to go and so did the ballpen grafitti on my jeans..

No more indulging in buying Tantra tees in bulk .. its more of waitin for Wills Lifestyle and Van Heusen Sale now...

Kumar Punjabi Dhaba has given way to McD and the likes ... n am I hating it !

Can cook a proper 4-course meal for n- number of people with more confidence than I exuded while making those faff-ey Business Ethics presentions..

No more walking into anyone`s room for a late-night chitchat .. Gtalk and Skype are Godsends now...



Some things still havn`t changed though ...


Still love walking in the rain ..

Still find it difficult to argue and raise my voice .. even when it is absolutely needed..

Still cringe talking about money and pay and the likes ...

Still obsess about weight-loss ...

Still love feeling the wind against my face on late-night bike rides ...

Still get all happy and excited at the prospect of a movie right after office ..

Still find it surprising as tears roll down seeing a lonesome mangy lil pup yelping on a busy road ..

Still cry myself to sleep when the loneliness gets to me ...

Still fall for hopelessly wrong guys ..

Still happiest when with a book in hand and lounge playing on the ipod ..

Still have the gleam in my eyes on spotting a chocolate irrespective of its size ..

Still learning to say NO ...

Still pathetic at taking compliments ..

Still trying to find my niche ..

Still uncertain about what my true calling is ...

Still waiting to be truly happy and content ...

Still unable to fathom whether love is a myth or a truism ...

Still long to nestle between Mom n Dad and watch Hrishikesh Mukherjee movies ...

Still not willing to let go despite knowing it is a lost cause ..



Still .. very much me .. I guess .. I hope ...